ROMNEY WORDSWORTH – Feeling down?  Maybe you feel hopeless, helpless, and worthless?  Maybe you feel that way because you got dumped, or lost your job, or you’ve just been sentenced to a long jail sentence.  Maybe you figure that civilization is about to collapse, and you don’t want to hang around to deal with it.  Maybe you are an infamous politician who is suffering under the slow torture of an FBI investigation into your illegal email server?

Whatever your woes, it is a fact that 13 out of every 100,000 Americans choose to end their own lives every year.  Suicide statistics are on the rise, in fact, especially among the young.  Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people aged 15-24.  Since the beginning of the 21st century, suicide among Americans aged 35-64 increased nearly 30%, and for American men in their 50’s, the rates have risen an astounding 50%, to 30 in a 100,000.

But I’m sure Obamanomics and the offshoring of tens of millions of American jobs during this same time period is PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  Nothing to see here, just move along.

So if you are experiencing thoughts of suicidal ideation, this Top 5 List is for you:

Number 5

Evelyn McHale

Leaping From a Tall Building:  In 1947, 23 year old Evelyn McHale jumped from the 83rd floor of the Empire State Building, landing on a limousine.  Her picture has been called “The Most Beautiful Death”.  For those wishing to achieve a few minutes of fame with their deaths, leaping to your death may be something to aim for…pun intended.

Number 4

drug overdose

Drug Overdose:  One of the most popular choices among the celebrity class, although it is not always an entirely intended suicide.  While a fairly painless method, it can be expensive.  Oh, but, you’re killing yourself, so may as well burn through the last of your savings.  You can’t take it with you, after all!

Number 3


Death By Cop:  For those of you who are a bit squeamish about being the agent of your own demise, worry not!  Your local law enforcement representatives are standing by and eager to serve your needs.  Just call 911 and say that you are holed up in your home with a hostage, and that you are armed.  The local constabulary will rush to your location faster than Domino’s Pizza and will be eager to shoot you dead on sight, no questions asked.

Number 2


Slitting Your Wrists in the Bathtub:  This is considered one of the more pleasant, and classy, ways to achieve your own demise.  This method was made famous by the ancient Roman patrician class, with the death of the Senator Seneca being typical (pictured above).  What could be more comfy than a nice warm bath, consuming a bottle of wine to thin the blood, and then slitting your wrists and bleeding out into your tub?  Works just as well with swimming pools, and best of all, you won’t have to worry about the clean up.  You’ll have a few nice hallucinations and just drift away…

Number 1


Death by Car Exhaust:  Quick and easy.  Just start your car in your garage with the doors closed, allowing the space to be filled with carbon monoxide.  You’ll fall asleep listening to your favorite tunes pounding out from the stereo speakers.